Brian ReganStupid in School

I don’t know. I would have been a lot better off if I’d studied more when I
was growing up, y’know. But you know where it all went wrong was the day they
started the spelling bee. Because up until that day I was an idiot but nobody
else knew. When the spelling bee day popped up…

[Announcer:] Alright, kids, up against the wall. It’s time for public

Spell a word wrong—sit down in front of your friends. That’s great for little
egos. “Hey, look at me. I’m a moron. I wasn’t even close. I was usin’ numbers
and stuff.”

That’s why I admired that kid who spelled it wrong on purpose so he could sit
down. He knew he wasn’t going to win, so why stand there for 3 hours.

First round. “Cat, K-A-T, I’m outta here.” Then as he passed you, “Ha! I know
there’s 2 T’s.”

I remember my teacher asked me, “Brian, what’s the ‘i’ before ‘e’ rule?”

“Um… i before e ... ALWAYS!”

“What are you, an idiot, Brian?”


So she explains it, “No, Brian, it’s:

‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’
and when sounding like ‘a’
as in neighbor and weigh
and on weekends and holidays
and all throughout May
and you’ll always be wrong
no matter what you say.”

That’s a hard rule. That’s a rough rule.

Plurals were hard, too.

“Brian, how do you make a word a plural?”

“You put a ‘s’…put a ‘s’ at the end of it.”


“On weekends and holidays.”

“No, Brian. Let me show you.” So she asked this kid who knew everything.
Irwin. “Irwin, what’s the plural for ox?”

“Ox. Oxen. The farmer used his oxen.”



“Brian, what’s the plural for box?”

“Boxen. I bought 2 boxen of doughnuts.”

“No, Brian, no. Let’s try another one. Irwin, what’s the plural for goose?”

“Geese. I saw a flock of geese.”


[Exasperated laughing]“Wha-a-at?”

“What’s the plural for moose?”

“Moosen! I saw a flock of MOOSEN! There were many of ‘em. Many much moosen.
Out in the woods…in the wood-es…in the woodsen. The meese want the food in the
woodesen…food is the eatenesen…the meese want the food in the woodesenes…food
in the woodesenes.”

“Brian. Brian! You’re an imbecile.”


“What? Are you speaking German, Brian?”

“German… Germaine… Germaine… Jackson… Jackson 5… Tito!”

“Brian, what the hell are you talking about?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know, really.”

I think the worst day was the day the science project was due. Waking up that
morning…that was fun, huh? Your head would pop off that pillow, “Oh, no!
That’s due today.” I had nine months to work on it; I did nothing. I have a
cardboard box... or boxen. And you’d show up; you’re scared because you don’t
have anything good and you find out all the other kids their parents made
theirs for ‘em. I hated that, yanno? They’re backing them in on flatbed
trucks. One kid with a volcano…he didn’t know how to zip up his own pants but
he built a volcano.“How’d you swing that?”

I didn’t know what to do for my project so I brought in a paper cup filled
with dirt just hoping that she’d know I’m an idiot and just walk right on past
me just as long as I was holding something.

“What do you have there, Brian?”

“It’s a cup of dirt. Just put an ‘F’ on it there and let me go home.”

“Well, explain it.”

“Well, it’s a cup with dirt in it. I call it ‘Cup of Dirt.’ You should move on
now. Just go ahead and move on. Head on down the line there.”

So she went to this one kid; there’s a kid in my class who made the same solar
system like 19 years in a row. A bunch of Styrofoam balls held together with
coat-hangers. “Hey, you’re breaking some new ground there, Copernicus.”

He’s going, “The big yellow one’s the sun. The yellow one is the sun.”

“OK, alright, what are these other planets?”

“The big yellow one is the sun.”

“Alright! Calm down!”

“Uh…(shouts) ALRIGHT!”